I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
