Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
