If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
