True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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