i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
