the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
