So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
