well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
