tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
