Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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