I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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