I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
