party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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