I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
