Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
