I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
