I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
