dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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