How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
