I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
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Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
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I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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