he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
