I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Alive.
So much puke
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
