I'm so fucking centered right now
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
