I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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