I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
