Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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