why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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