you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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