im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
