my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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