Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
