Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
