Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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