she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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