he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you would pick up someone in the library
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
