You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
