I am in a vortex of obligation.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
