i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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