hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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