....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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