My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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