we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't deserve a penis
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
