i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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