just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
