Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
