You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
