bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
