she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
