I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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