Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
