I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
