So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
