Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think people are normalizing furries
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