he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
