he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
