i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
