Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
