ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
