I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
