I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
