Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Michael Bay diarrhea
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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