I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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