You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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