Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
