She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you would pick up someone in the library
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
