Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
A+ Viking dick
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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