Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
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My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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