My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
