I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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